This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.