I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I think about this a lot
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.