Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*bites zombie*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?