when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing