I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes