Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.