The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.