My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?