Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.