This took me a few seconds.. 😅
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
when you order from DoorDastardly
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Put a ring on it
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.