Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
me hitting on a model
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Home #decor warning.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.