I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no