[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.