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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I feel this so hard
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!