been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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