A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.