*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit