WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo