What do you hear?
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
They did not miss in the small print
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Omg 🤣