Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner