8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This story is comedy gold 😂
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
If snakes were wide