No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Okey dokey.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog