Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Always
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less