Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.