Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
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Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth