I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
when there are deer in the woods
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.