My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You Might Also Like
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
@funTweeters
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You learn something every day
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”