You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Ok who’s got my black socks?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”