I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
You Might Also Like
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The French word for sex is croissant.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”