Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.