Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
🍛
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore