Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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“you changed” bro i was 15
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The old gods are rising again.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
That’s fair
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Oh. My. God.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.