I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m listening
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.