It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.