For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
“Huge”.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
🛁
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Saw your ex at the shops
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.