for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Do one person every day that scares you.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Twitter remains undefeated
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.