Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
You Might Also Like
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Livid.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster