I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
so much to do
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*