Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
there’s probably a fee though
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl