“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
This is so me 😂😂
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When libraries troll their patrons.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not