this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: