A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Hell yeah 👍
A bold strategy
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Good morning
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one