Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When your man makes a valid point
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.