If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My love language is deader than Latin
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.