[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Probably my best painting.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal