MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Not recommended for beginners.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.