I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
They’re the worst 😩
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Always a metermaid never a meter
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
What do you hear?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
*pronounces fake like saké*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.