Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
You Might Also Like
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”