If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”