My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner